It’s
hard for me to believe that it has been over a month since my last blog entry. A
lot can happen in such a short period of time.
I
have always been a relatively private person. I’m not one to share my feelings
with many people or disclose much of my business on social media sites. Even on
my blog, I’m careful not to put out more than I want people to know. However, I
think it’s important that I share what has been going on with me over the past
several weeks. Sometimes I forget that regardless of how positive I remain, I’m
not exempt from feeling pain and disappointment.
My
motto has typically been to make the most of my situations. Every day I wake up
I tell myself that it is going to be a good day. I have my agenda, my projects,
my tasks, and I set out to do those things with a smile. Then, somewhere around
the end of June I started to get this feeling that didn’t sit well with me. My
husband’s job causes him to work more hours now than he ever did before. I
believe we spent more quality time together while living in the states than we
do here in Africa. I distinctly put quality time in there because I don’t ever
want to mistake simply being present as quality time spent together. They are
two different things. Work can be pretty demanding, especially when it’s all
new to you. Nonetheless, my husband is doing his thing and handling his business,
so I fully support his work and the long hours, even if I don’t always like
them. Plus, he always puts forth the effort to make time for us. But, the
lengthy days spent by myself were starting to get the best of me. I didn’t want
to admit it, but I was lonely.
In
this country there are many restrictions on where we can travel. I don’t
exactly have the freedom to walk out of my home, go off compound and walk
around the city. It just doesn’t work like that. For one, it’s not too safe for
me to wander the streets alone. Two, there are very few sidewalks, which means
I would have to walk in the street battling very reckless drivers. Three, there
are no stop lights at any of the intersections. So when I’m ready to cross a
street or large intersection, I just have to do my best to maneuver in between
moving cars going in several different directions. It is definitely as unsafe as it sounds. This
is one of the most dangerous cities when it comes to vehicular accidents. Lastly,
there is not much to see when roaming about in Algiers.
When
I go anywhere, including the grocery store, I have to arrange for a driver to
take me because I am not allowed to drive in this country, not that I would
want to anyway. Also, I’m not advised to go anywhere by myself, not that I
would want to either in this particular city. So, the very few sights there are
to see in Algiers, I must arrange to go with someone else. The pickings for
company to join me are quite slim. Outside of Algiers, there are many sights
that people said I would truly enjoy. However, because they are outside of the
safe zones for us to travel we must arrange for police escorts to take us into
those areas. A group trip is planned several times a year to give Americans the
opportunity to travel outside of Algiers with an escort.
Despite
me having a great attitude regarding my location and following my motto, I’m only
human. At some point I had to come face to face with the reality that I was feeling.
I missed the interactions with friends and the freedom to travel about on my
own every day. Certain close friends and family that said they would stay in
touch, were now doing very little to maintain contact. Other spouses on the
program have told me that during our time overseas my husband and I will learn
who our close friends and family members are. I thought I had already figured
that out. If there is one thing I know for sure, it’s that just because you’re
family doesn’t mean you’re close.
I
began to feel saddened by certain individuals. Everyone has their own life to
lead; however, for any relationship to thrive you must put something into it.
The cliché, “You get out of it what you put into it” can apply to numerous
areas of life. I have “close” friends/family members who have never visited me
in any state I lived in over the past 9 years. I find that I’m always using my
vacation days, my pay check, or my time to see them, most often to their
convenience. I think it really hit a hard point when these individuals recently
went to visit other people in the same area that I just moved away from. It
made me think, “Was I never good enough for them to use their vacation time or
funds to visit me there over the past few years?” My husband and I even have “close”
people in our lives that also never visited us where we lived and we were only
90 minutes away from them; however, we went to see them countless times. I’ve
learned there is always an excuse or a reason that seems so justifiable when
you’re trying to defend such behavior. Anyway, let me change my path,
because I’m slowly going down a road that leads to a dead end.
Aside
from feeling lonely, being disappointed in a few “close” family members and
friends, I also became disappointed in my actions towards myself. I was no longer
following through with the commitments I made to myself. Let’s just say I
gradually fell off and lost focus. I refuse to come up with any excuse as to
why I got off track. I simply made a bad choice by not doing the necessary work
to get where I wanted to be.
Week
after week, my mind fell deeper into a state of disappointment and
discouragement. I soon became annoyed with myself for letting other people’s
actions get under my skin emotionally and for watching myself lose the
self-discipline I worked so hard to achieve. My attitude became unhealthy and
certainly unproductive. I stopped exercising. I started eating more junk food
and snacking on various items when I wasn’t hungry. I gained about 10 pounds that felt more like
20. I stopped writing and I actually started watching television. I should say
that I normally do not watch much TV; maybe a show or two per week, and that’s
it for me. Sitting on the sofa getting lost in show after show was entirely out
of my character. My body was getting weaker, probably due to the useless
calories that I consumed. Most of all I was losing hope that anything would get
better. I was a mess sporting a smile for others.
I
do believe that certain situations can make one person more vulnerable to feeling
hurt than others. I love hard. I care deeply. I know my abilities and
potential. Therefore, when something goes astray in any of those areas of my
life they hit me pretty hard because I have already invested so much of my
being into them. I know my weakness and my strengths. I allowed my weakness to
get the best of me.
Do
I think it’s bad that I felt the way I felt? No, I don’t. I feel I’m human and
I had a genuine reaction to what I was feeling inside. And so, instead of
continuously trying to cover it up, I finally released those feelings, dealt with
them, and now I don’t have to pretend like it doesn’t exist. Let me be clear
what I mean by that. I don’t have to pretend that I love the situation I’m in
or that I’m extremely happy with certain individuals in my life right now.
Reality is the truth and I know that I can’t change the truth. I cannot change
the actions of others, nor can I change the cards I was dealt. I can, however,
control how I let those things and people affect my life and my attitude
throughout life. Because I love hard and care deeply, I will always be there
for those family members and friends anyway. I’d be lying to myself if I said I
wouldn’t be. Because I know my abilities and my potential, I will not succumb to
any of my own lazy efforts and give up on my goals or dreams. I’d be cheating myself if I
did.
Everyone
is entitled to their pity party, but I’ve never been one to let a pity party
last for an extended period of time. At some point you just have to snap out of
it and grab hold of your emotions or situation, and figure out how you are
going to get through it, or make it work for you. I kept saying to myself, “Snap
out of it, snap out of it!” Clearly that wasn’t working. I had to believe it
and not just say it. A couple weeks ago I finally experienced the snap, the
moment when your vision alters and your perspective changes. The moment when
you put yourself back in the driver’s seat and realize that you control the
speed. You’ll know it when you have it because it feels like you have control
again.
Nothing
has changed about my situation by any means. And nothing has changed about the
people in my lives or their actions. But I’ve altered my attitude about them,
about the situation. I will give no individual or no situation the power to
allow myself to feel less than or defeated by its ways for an extended period
of time.
I
could have chosen to keep these depressing weeks to myself and resume writing
my blog like normal. But the name of this blog is “Blue Heart Journey.” Simply
said, it’s my journey. I am writing this blog for myself, my husband, my future
child or children (even my niece and nephew), and then for all other readers. Therefore, I have to be
honest with myself. I had to be true to my journey, which isn’t always fun and
thrills. Since I’m only 30, I’m sure to hit many other bumpy roads in my life. I
hope to look back at this entry and use it as a resource to aid me in getting
through any tough or disappointing times I come across in the future. Sometimes
our journey takes us on paths that we would rather not share with others, but
there is power in pain if you can pull through it and help someone else
overcome it too.
I
have started a new project that may take me away from my blog more often than I
would like, but it’s for good reason, I promise. :) I still plan to share my journey
though. If I don’t write it down now, I’ll never be able to tell it as intimately
later. There is so much power in the pen. :)
